Solid Ground

Lately, I find myself struggling to find focus. The holidays, while a welcome distraction, also can serve as a reminder of trouble times. And, with the onset of a New Year many, including myself, find themselves reflecting on the past year. Amid the recollections of good times and the not so good times, I have lately found my self caught up in the, woulda, coulda, and shoulda, of overcritical self-anilization. (Yeah, I know big surprise.”)


Now, I’d like to tell you that I’m at peace with this past year, but I can’t. If you’ve read much on my site you’d know I would be lying. Besides, I’m not sure it is in my nature to just be at peace. I should be overjoyed that I’ve got a job offer, but the fact that the start date has been pushed back several times, leaves my wife and myself with more that a little concern. It’s hard for her to contain her fears and frustration. Emotional tolerance can only be pushed so far. And, there are so many questions I can’t answer right now.


I am struggling to do my best.


The struggle is what gets to me. It’s the constant, one step forward and two steps back. It affects my relationship with my wife, my children, neighbors, and friends at church. I find myself avoiding longtime friends, just so I won’t have to answer any questions about “the job situation.” And sometimes; like a bucket of cold water, I can really hear myself get frustrated at my kids over things that honestly don’t deserve that kind of energy.


I have become a Grumpy Old Ass.


That’s not who I use to be. That’s not the relationship I want with my children. That’s not the man my wife deserves. At times like this, it’s very easy to get wrapped up in pride and self pity. Again, I would be lying if I said I have been above that. And, I’m sure that has made our situation at times worse than it needed to be.

Putting it all down here helps me to step out side of the situation. It helps me find my perspective: a solid
place to stand.


(Q) What bothers me the most?


(A) The thought of letting my family down.


(Q) Does my current mental and emotional (pity parade) in any way help my family?


(A) NO!


So what’s the solution?


The family is the solution. The more I can focus on them, the less time I have to feel sorry for myself. A seven-year-old needs stability, love, and the reassurance that someone will be there to help them get back up if they fall. They need a steady hand to guide them, and help them see that bad times don’t last forever. I’m guessing the same consideration goes for a spouse.


Too many times I get frustrated because I don’t have all the answers. Maybe I’m not supposed to know everything. Maybe the answers to the problems facing most families are to be found in the family itself. Maybe it just comes down to faith; faith in God, faith in each other, and finally (and most difficult for some) faith in ourselves.


Of course, as always, I’m just winging it here.