Another Day

I know that has to be the most boring title in history. But, I need to write and I can't think of anything creative. Big surprise.

It has been a very quite week. I've been at my usual employment search with about the same results as the past two months. I know something will break through. I'm just having trouble keeping my positive thoughts about me. I originally started this online journal to record my thoughts and insights while I'm on this bumpy ride. I also wanted to flex any writing muscles I may have left. My hope is to use it to deal with my current issues, and as a form to look back on later, to see where I was, and how I dealt with things during this time. For good, or ill maybe it will help me to keep from making the same mistakes in the future.

As I said it has been a very quite week. Every evening my wife and my two oldest children have been to a cheerleading camp. This gives me roughly from 5:30 pm to 9:30 pm alone with our twenty one month old. Of course, most of that time is spent chasing this small Indiana Jones through out the house, dodging wet diapers, and razor sharp Barbie furniture.

She has only made it to the top of the china hutch once.

It is at times like that when you truly realize how much your children keep each other occupied.

A big round of applause goes to my wife. She has working more or less full time. In addition to that her nights are filled trying to put this cheerleading thing together. And ,to top it all off she has to deal with me. Bless her heart. She has been keeping this family going through thick and thin. Here lately it has been thin.

I suppose that in the midst of all that is going on, there is one thing I am thankful for. I have been able to spend so much more time with my children this summer. Maybe that was God's big plan. I'll try to keep that in mind the next time I have to tell them for the 400 th time, to clean up their room, and put up their clothes.

Humility would be the other lesson I guess I'm suppose to learn. I would think I had that down by now, but that's the point.

Old Haunts, and Familiar Shade

A few days ago I found myself back at my old college campus.  It's a funny thing; you never know were life will take you, until you've looked back at where you've been.

 So far July in Texas has been as hot and dry, as June was wet and soggy.  I could feel every bit of that 95 degree day beating down on me.   As I made my way off the extended "Visitors" parking area, and  nearing the Campus library, I could feel the familiar shade of trees and buildings I hadn't seen in more than a decade.  Over the years new construction had been built, but all of "my buildings" were just where I had left them.   

My business in the registrars office, located the basement of the Library, took only a few minutes.  Left with an hour to kill I took a slow walk to the Arts and Humanities building where I spent most of my college hours.  Looking back, if I had been smart, I would have been a accountant, or a business major.  But, if you've read any of my posting you already know the key word in that statement is "if".  I just had to be a lit major.  With all the trapping of fame and fortune it has brought me.  

The feel of that old A & H building, as I walked it's hall, made me ache for a way to go back in time.  To a place were the future was full of infinite possibilities.  Every hallway, classroom, and alcove were saturated with forgotten memories.  I could feel them as if I were walking through an early morning mist.  They clung to me so tightly that all I had to do was close my eyes and just know that no time had passed, and I was about to be late for Dr. Kratz's class on Western Literary Traditions.  For a few fleeting minutes the weight of my small world was lifted, and I could enjoy memories of a time that I never really could appreciate with out the distance of a decade.  I left that day with some great rediscovered memories, and the confirmed knowledge that I would have made a terrible accountant.

One bit of good news I learned in my visit; was that my favorite professor is now the Dean of the A&H department.   He was a fantastic teacher with the ability to transform dry books into epic tales that challenged the imagination, and opened the mind.  I don't think you could call me his most successful student , but he did help me to see literature in a deeper way.  It was through him that I learned the importance of a really good story. 

  Thanks Dr. K. 
                        
      ( I bet you don't remember Odessa Smith!) 

THE BLAME GAME (or, an open letter to myself)

In any hardship, or struggle, there can come a time when frustration and pride will lead you to seek other tangible targets.  This turns out to be those nearest to you.  It's in a man's nature to fix things.  We want to find the root of the trouble.  And, when your weighed down with frustration and self doubt, the mirror is a tough place to face.  You tend to look elsewhere.

At some point, you just know that everyone has contributed to your downfall.  Your ex-boss for throwing you under the bus.  Your co-workers for not standing up for you.  Your wife for not "understanding the stress" your going through.  Your kids, who don't understand that you just need to focus on feeling sorry for yourself.
 
Are you any closer to the mirror? 

Am I?
 
The events that caused your struggle may, or may not have been your fault.  But every action you take after the incident is your responsibility.  True, there can be many outside forces pulling  at you , but your choices in how you handle these influences  are yours alone.
 
My advice to myself, and to anyone who might be interested, is take control of the things you can control.  Your anger, self doubt, and frustrations, are all yours.  That is something you can control.  No matter how hard you will it, you can't control the emotions of others.  This includes family, spouse, and children. 
 
Remember, they are in this with you.  They have fears and concerns of their own.  They are watching how you deal with this struggle, and they will react as you react.  It's one of the law of physics; every action has a reaction.  You must keep this in mind.  Of course this means added stress, but that can also be an important part in getting your focus back on track. Be proactive not reactive.
 
My personal application is toward the loss of  a job.  I believe, though, this could be an important principal in dealing with any family crisis.

Ready for a new week! 

Trades

You know whom I‘m really envious of?
The person who has made a career out of something they truly love.

Most of us make due. We settle. We trade our passion for a paycheck. And take comfort that the path we have taken will lead us to a level of security. We hope this will happen.

We become managers, salesmen, recruiters, or bankers convinced that it isn't what you do, as much as it provides security for your family. But what happens when departments downsize, companies lay off, and employees get throw under the bus to protect a senior manager's ego? You find yourself back in the job market trying desperately to regain that sense of security.

Around that time the old fantasies start nudging the surface. A futile hope is better than none at all. And, if it keeps you going until you find that next banking job then so be it. Still I close my eyes and dream of a content soul that freely pours out words, and stories, knowing my family is well provided for.

OK, my first three posts are all me moaning about my unemployment. Enough already. I'll lighten up. I promise.

The Great Escape

Just another break from the great employment race. I am actually taking a small break today. Normally my internet job searching, also known as banging you head repeatedly on the monitor of hope, is done at home. I have a great computer there. I also have three children there. Every few minutes my concentration and focus are steered toward more globally important issues. Such as who wanted to play first with Barbie #76 out of 128. Or, how did the baby's toy get stuck in the toilet? More importantly, had it been flushed prior to your retrieval attempt?

I keep telling myself that Michael Keaton started this way, and see, he became BATMAN!

No, today I've made a trip to the local library. Here, if I give a kid a grouchy look because he's bugging me, he can go and tell someone else's wife. Not that I am in the habit of giving grouchy looks, but it's nice to know the option is there if I need it. The Library has nice fast connections and super Dell computers. I can bang my head..., I mean search for jobs in a quarter of the time it usually takes at home. This also gives me a little time to blow of some steam here on the keyboard.

To be serious for a second, I think I would be going nuts by now if I didn't have an outlet. Writing has always helped clear my mind. It lets me step back and put things into perspective. Taking out the mental trash of a cluttered mind.

Back to work. The Kids are going to need school clothes soon.

Watch out for that turn!

It is amazing how quickly the years pass the older you get. I know that sounds pretty cliche, but the truth is usually obvious. Your high school years creep by. Your college years seem an eternity until you get that degree, and "get a real life". Once your out there, the job comes, and the family happens. Now if you were to use the Roller coaster analogy of life, this is the first big drop. The first twenty something years was just the waiting in line, the strapping in, and the long slow ascent to the place where the world will soon come rushing up at you. How you like roller coasters makes a big impact on how you handle the rest of the ride.

This time last year I would have loved to have a little extra time. Time to spend with my wife. Time to spend with my kids. Time to spend enjoying the ride. A recent job lay off though, has sent me spinning on a whole other track. This is not a ride I want my family to be on. Like most fathers, I have a need to provide for, and protect my family. The loss of a job is a direct challenge to that duty. I feel anger, panic, frustration, and confusion. But when you get down to what's really important, it's not about me, or what I feel. It's about what I'm going to do about it.

You can't get off the coaster. You can't panic because the ride took an unexpected turn. You handle the ups and downs as best as you can, because there are others looking to you for reassurance.

While the challenges of life are usually not planned, they have to be expected. I've got a family I love dearly. My children will watch how I deal with adversity. And whether I like it or not, I will set a pattern that they will follow as adults. I pray they see my character. I pray they overlook my faults. And most of all I pray they see my faith in God to see us through difficult times.